A Bad Day

My life is being completely consumed by Kaitlyn's anxiety at the moment.

Today I got a call from her teacher. He said Kaitlyn had thrown up in the toilets at lunch time.

I asked if she was ok, if she looked sick. He said apart from being hot from running around she seemed fine.

Every time something like this happens I get scared, I wonder if she actually did throw up, I wonder if she's sick or stressed, I wonder if she succeeded in MAKING herself vomit, I wonder what's happened during the day to make her like this, I think back to the morning and if anything she said or did hinted at not wanting to be at school.
I wonder if this is just a 'normal kid' having a 'normal sick day.' I wonder if there's anything I could have done to prevent this.

But most of all I wonder if there's anything I can do now to make it better.

I wish I could find a pattern or find a trigger for her anxiety. Apart from the unpredictable-ness of her dad's work I can't figure out what has changed in the last few months that's caused such drastic changes. And then I wonder if all of this is just because we don't know when her daddy's going to be home, or what time he finishes work.
But then, he's always had a job with slightly unpredictable hours. I'll admit it's more unpredictable at the moment but he's always had changing rosters and some long weeks and some short weeks.

Seeing your child going through so much suffering and her not knowing why/how to deal with it is heartbreaking.

She's sleeping now, mainly so she can't see me sitting on the bed crying about what to do for her.

Anxiety sucks!

Living With A Child With Anxiety

Unless you have been paying zero attention or you’re new to this blog you will all by now know that my 6 year old Kaitlyn suffers from anxiety.

You will also know, from my previous blog post, that she’s been a bit of an emotional mess lately.

 

It’s been a few weeks now and not much has gotten better.

In fact I would say they are worse. Her 7^th birthday is coming up and I’ve been trying to help her plan what she wants to do. For a kid that usually spends an entire year planning her party I was expecting huge ideas. But this year she just keeps telling me “I don’t want to do anything at all.” Its more the way she says it, she drops her face, her eyes go blank, her whole body seems to slump and she mumbles “I just don’t want anything at all then mum” its actually heartbreaking and I have no idea why she doesn’t want anything. I couldn’t even talk her into inviting a friend out for dinner. We are going to a nearby town for a couple nights for a bit of beach, exploring and fast food. She keeps telling us no she doesn’t want to. But we have told her we are doing it to celebrate her Dad’s birthday (which is the same day as Kaitlyn’s).

At school her teacher has been using sneaky tactics to check whether or not she’s been eating her food (however I think she has outsmarted him on more than one occasion). I also had a meeting with her teacher and the school principal to discuss what’s been going on.

I was pleasantly surprised to know that, although still quite behind for her age, she has made some quite good improvements this year. The difference between what she can do at school and what she does at home though is enormous. For homework at home I’m lucky if she will write a 3 word sentence. At school she’s writing longer, often descriptive sentences (not all the spelling is correct but nearly!)

Her teacher told me that first thing in the morning Kaitlyn comes in happy and is content to do her work, if she gets an answer incorrect or he questions what she’s done she is open to constructive criticism. However by the afternoon after lunch she falls apart, she gets lazy with her work and doesn’t like being corrected. She makes a mess of her work if she makes a mistake and has a short temper, not that she is ever rude she just loses her patience and falls apart with the slightest “oops you spelt that word wrong”  He did tell me he thinks its fatigue. And if Kaitlyn is sleeping as bad as I think she is I can understand the fatigue. No wonder come 4pm she refuses to do homework or does a real piss poor effort. She's exhausted. Physically and mentally drained, making it through a day is exhausting enough for Kaitlyn. Adding in extra activities or even fun things like after school sports is too much for her.

The principal was surprised to hear quite how bad things had been for Kaitlyn and has agreed to get the paperwork and referrals together to start getting some testing happening first thing back at school next year, she’s also offered for us to come into school before school officially goes back to have a sit down with whoever will be her new teacher to discuss Kaitlyn and try get Kaitlyn used to her new teacher. While talking with the principal we got onto the subject of Kaitlyn’s horse riding lessons last year and how amazing it was to see the improvements in Kaitlyn: building that relationship and confidence and trust with the horse and how good it was for her. The principal mentioned she knows someone with horses in town and would speak to her about any options that may be available to us-fingers crossed because I REALLY REALLY want this to happen.

Kaitlyn has been given a special sensory cushion and foot rest at school to try and help her sit properly and sit still as when she’s tired or anxious she has a tendency to wriggle around, sit on her legs, hang off the side of the chair etc. she loses focus too easily and it can be very distracting for the other kids.

 

Unfortunately Kaitlyn also still isn’t sleeping well, she is awake well past 8:30 most nights, keeping Bradley awake also, and is waking up the whole house at 5:30am. Everyone is exhausted and run down from lack of sleep.

You may not agree but in our house we have always (since Kaitlyn was a baby) had the rule that when you wake up you stay in bed until mum or dad come and get you. I find it keeps the kids from wandering around the house, getting up too early, bad habits of watching the tv first thing in the morning and safety, I always knew as toddlers they wouldn’t wake up and go running into the kitchen and climb up anything, also just a simple privacy thing. Hubby and I like the kids to know that we deserve our own time together (talking, watching tv, having a coffee and chat) without kids being around.

Kaitlyn however has become so bad with wandering the house, hiding behind doors and walls and listening into hubby and I having private conversations (because she wants to know what’s REALLY going on and listens to all sorts of adult conversations about life and work and her and the other kids and people we know etc..), going to the toilet up to 30 times a night (not even exaggerating) and basically being a pain and waking everyone up, that we made the decision to take the door handle off her door. So when the kids are in bed, that’s it. And for the last few months that’s worked perfectly fine with no dramas. Bradley happily sleeps all night and doesn’t get out of his room so it’s never been an issue with him. Thankfully we’ve been blessed with an amazing little boy that just takes it all in his stride and doesn’t complain.

The last few weeks Kaitlyn has been waking between 5-5:30am most mornings and because she can’t open the door and wander around she bangs on the wall, screams out “I need to go to the toilet” and cries and just generally anything noisy and attention seeking that will wake anyone up. Last week she even tried making herself vomit (a habit that she does when all else fails and her life is way out of control, possibly the thing that scares me the most about her. I dread the day she succeeds. Listening to your 6 year old daughter sitting in the bathroom head over the toilet bowl coughing and spluttering trying to make herself vomit is not how anyone pictures their life. It’s literally heartbreaking, and so damn scary-where did she even learn this from??!!) I don't even know why she feels like her life is so out of control at the moment, a few weeks ago things were difficult with hubby's work but that has slowed down lately and he's been home a fair bit.

So why don’t we just let her out?? Well sometimes we do, like this morning I got up opened the door told her to go toilet and straight back to bed. So she did. Less than 10 minutes later she was banging on the wall again “I need to poo.”

She doesn’t actually NEED anything, it’s just one of her things she does.

 

Living with Kaitlyn is very demanding, very exhausting, and very hard at times.

 

A few weeks ago we borrowed a weighted blanket off a friend to try and help Kaitlyn sleep at night. It worked AMAZING for the first few nights, but as Kaitlyn got used to having it, the desired effect wore off. And it’s the same with everything, something might work really well to keep her calm, eating well, sleeping well, keeping up in school, happy etc. but as soon as it becomes something she’s used to, it automatically stops working.

So we are CONSTANTLY looking for new strategies, new ways to deal, new ways to help her cope and to encourage her.

 

You can never truly understand how hard it is living with such a young child with anxiety until you have fully experienced it.

From the outside Kaitlyn seems like quite an average child. Others sometimes think she’s just naughty or rude (don’t get me wrong, sometimes she is naughty!). Hubby often gets frustrated when we see people that Kaitlyn knows out in public. Her school friends will see her and shout out and wave to her and Kaitlyn will often look the other way or whisper a very quiet hello-it seems as though she’s completely ignoring the person. It’s not intentional to be rude; she just doesn’t know how and doesn’t have the confidence to respond properly.

 

Today has been a particularly bad day after being woken so early. Isla was overtired and grumpy. Kaitlyn had meltdown after meltdown. Then she was rude and bossed everyone around (a sure sign she’s feeling anxious is when she starts trying to take control over everyone’s lives, telling us what to do, how to do it, trying to discipline her siblings etc. When she feels her life is out of control she tries to control everyone else). Hubby was home trying to sleep for night shift while everyone was arguing and having loud screaming meltdowns (myself included in that).

Having an anxious kid in the family is hard, I often feel sorry for Bradley and Isla. Kaitlyn takes up so much time and effort and attention that I sometimes feel as though the other 2 get left out. I try so hard to spend one on one time with the others but Kaitlyn can NOT play by herself, she’s always there, hanging around, trying to interrupt, trying to butt into your game, trying to listen in on your conversations (even when they have NOTHING to do with ANYTHING to do with her), trying to take over, trying to ask questions, trying anything she can to take my attention away from the others.

 

Some days it all just feels like a struggle. I feel like a failure, I feel too tired to function, I feed the kids junk takeaway because I don’t have the energy or time or just basically don’t want to fight over another meal to cook.

But then 7pm comes, the kids all go to bed and I sit back and realise how incredibly lucky I am to have 3 amazing children who are mostly healthy, mostly happy and are just my whole world. I love them all equally, and they all drive me insane equally.

 

And on those bad days the only thing that keeps me going, is knowing that even if it takes a week or it’s a month’s long “flare up” THIS TOO SHALL PASS. . .

Complicated...

Complicated.

I hate that word.

What does it even mean?!

It's a horrible excuse people use when they can't make up their mind.

'Oh my relationship is complicated'
'I can't do this or that or whatever else' 'why not?' 'It's complicated'

However complicated is what my life is right now. There's no other word for it (and trust me I've tried to find another word!).

I'm writing this blog as a bit of a peek into our REAL life. You know, not just the fun and games stuff, what happens in our real life. And hopefully you will understand our life just that little bit more.

My husbands job is a residential job in the Pilbara. We chose to move here, we wanted this. However what we were promised, what we quite literally signed on the dotted line for is very different to what's happening. I obviously can't go into all the little details, but it's safe to say that Phil is busier than we ever imagined, his co workers make Days Of Our Lives seem like a childish cartoon, and he's away a lot more frequently than we expected him to be. His 'roster' is non existent and as such our life is very unpredictable.
For reasons that I won't go into changing jobs at the moment is very hard, bordering on almost impossible unless we move back to the city.
As neither of us want to pick up our life and move to a place we don't like and change the kids schools etc we are staying here.

But while we are here things are unpredictable and 'complicated.'

And when things get hard in our family our little Kaitlyn spins out of control and her anxiety and such start taking over.
We can try all we like to hide what's really happening, hide our emotions, carry on as we always do but Kaitlyn is very intuitive when it comes to emotions and she just knows...

One of the first things to go when Kaitlyn is feeling stressed or upset or her anxiety is getting out of control is sleep. Today Kaitlyn awoke with dark black bags under her eyes after a late night tossing and turning and an early morning playing around with Bradley in their room. Even when she finally does crash out I don't think she's getting a decent deep sleep.

The next thing to go is food. When everything around her isn't working out my little Kaitlyn stops eating.
Sometimes she completely stops eating and will literally have nothing but water for 3 days straight.
It's not that bad right now. At the moment it's chucking her recess in the bin at school, not eating the homemade things I have baked, refusing or 'feeling full' after a small amount of dinner.

As you can imagine this is something that's very worrying to us.
Believe me when I say we have sought out help for this problem from all manner of professionals, with not much success.

We talk to her, we try to tell her the truth as much as we can, without telling her too much. We try to keep the adult conversations for after bed time. We try to keep her busy, to take her mind off things but not much makes a difference.

It's been almost 2 weeks now. Most days Kaitlyn eats a few weetbix for breakfast, maybe a sandwich for lunch and plays around with her food for dinner. For a kid that usually eats more than her dad it's quite worrying.

Add that to the lack of sleep and she's not looking her best.

We are trying our best, but we know that this too will pass. She will make it through and get back to her normal self. Everyone will be fine. This time.

Of course I worry that as she gets older and uses food as control over her life more and more she will end up quite sick.
She's 6 years old and has already learnt to stop eating when life gets 'complicated' and she's been doing this for at least 3 years.
And by learnt I don't mean it's something she's seen at home. In fact not much seems to change my appetite. I like food, food likes me and no matter my emotions or how busy I am I still eat.
I don't know where she's picked this up from-but I wish she didn't.

So why am I suddenly filling everyone in on our personal life?

I'm not after sympathy, in fact I don't want anything. Maybe just a little understanding.

If I don't feel like talking, if I don't post much on Facebook, if I don't go out much in public, if I seem to be unsocial or hibernating, if I seem distracted or not a great conversationalist just know it's because my life is 'complicated'
I'm dealing with a lot at home. I'm trying to protect my daughter, to help her, to get through this. And sometimes that means I'm tired, run down, obviously stressed out and preoccupied. But it doesn't mean I don't care-I may seem distracted in the moment but I can promise I'm taking in everything you say. It may take me a few hours or a few days to get back to messages and phone calls, but I haven't forgotten, I'm simply trying to deal with something.

Not always though, sometimes I just stay home because I want to...

A Pain In The Side

Three and a half years ago I was diagnosed with rheumatoid arthritis in my right hip. It basically shattered my world. But I was glad I finally had answers and could start treatment. I was sick of living in constant unbearable pain.

One of the first drugs that actually worked just so happened to be a steroid based drug. So while I was living pain free I was bloody miserable and gaining weight like crazy! I hated it but I wanted to be pain free. Over the years I've been on and off the steroids a few times and my weight has been up and down like crazy.  

 For the past 5 months life has been good for me. I have found an amazing Physio in town, I've been able to stop taking the steroid medication, I've been exercising and walking and losing all the horrible steroid weight.  

Health wise life has been bliss! 

Friday I woke up to my alarm beeping and rolled over to grumpily get out of bed. Nothing different there. 

But as soon as I put weight on my feet to stand up a horribly familiar pain shot through my hip. The stupid painful arthritis had reared its ugly head again. 

8am Friday I was on the phone begging to see the physio. Earliest appointment is 2.5 weeks away :-( 

Now it's Wednesday and the pain is worse. I'm not sleeping and walking is painful. Carrying Isla around makes it all worse too. 

To say I'm upset is an understatement. I was doing so well this time. It's the longest I've gone without pain. It's the most I've been able to be active for the last 3 years. I've enjoyed so much being able to run around with my kids and play tennis with them. Go for morning walks with Isla in the pram. I've been doing all my stretches and exercises from the physio everyday. I've been working so hard to stay healthy and pain free.

The weight I gained from the steroids made me horribly depressed and self conscious and now that most of that weight is gone I've been feeling amazing. I feel like I'm getting my body back. 

And now to wake up one day and be in this much pain again is devastating. 

Yes I know there are worse things in life than arthritis. I know I should be thankful and grateful that although I'm in pain I'm otherwise healthy. 

But for today, right now, I'm upset and feeling so down and I'm scared. 

Scared of having to take steroids again, scared of upsetting the kids because I can't run around with them like I have been, scared of putting more pressure on my husband because some of the housework is near impossible to do while I'm in this much pain. 

But most of all I'm just pissed off. 

Why me? 

The Cost Of Growing Up

Kaitlyn my oldest is 6 years old, nearly 7. She's a petite little thing although judging by the long legs she's the only one in my family with any hope of being 'tall.'

2 weeks ago we went to our nearest shopping centre 3.5 hours down a gravel track. We stocked up on clothes for the kids and I grabbed a couple things in the next size up.

2 weeks later and Kaitlyn has had a growth spurt! Something not very common in this house! In fact it's so uncommon that my kids have been known to fit the same clothes over a year later.

And of course now we are back in town with no plans to go near a shop again!

This growth spurt seems to be a bit of a milestone one though. Kaitlyn is in size 7 clothes now! And for those with kids you will know that clothing in separated into 3 size categories. Newborn-0, 1-6 and 7-14. My big girl is officially in 'big girl' clothes!
She can shop in the 'pre-teen' section now. I can see my struggle of dressing her as a child is slowly fading. The 1-6 section is all fairies and butterflies and cute kittens on clothes. The 7-14 section is all midriff baring clothes with attitude.
The other big thing I notice is the price!!! Wow!!! I used to be able to find shorts for her for around $5-$8 now it's more in the $15-$25 range. Tops and dresses were $10-$20 now it's more $20-$35.
I hardly spent that kind of money on clothes for myself!!
Kids are expensive. I'm glad Bradley and Isla are so tiny, they've both still got absolutely YEARS until they reach the 7-14 clothing section.

I'm not ready for this stage of life :-( why do kids have to grow up so fast. I swear Kaitlyn was only a baby yesterday!!

Interior Decorator? Or Scrooge With Money?

I'm not the kind of person that goes out and spends a fortune on fancy furniture or homewares.
I AM the kind of person that loves looking through pictures in magazines of beautifully decorated homes.

Since I moved out of home 7 years ago we haven't added much to our collection of furniture. And by that I mean we haven't bought more than a couple of things brand new.

We have added a dining room set (free), new bed frame (free) single beds for the older kids (free) chest of drawers (second hand) tv unit (second hand from Good Sammy's) coffee table (free) second washing machine for work clothes (second hand) computer desk (free) toy storage unit (second hand) computer chair (free) bookcase (second hand) chest of drawers (second hand and repainted) even the cot all three kids have shared was second hand (been through 4 kids before us) and we stripped it back and restained it.

There is very little that we buy brand new. Our lounge suite and white goods are the exception-that was all brand new (well sort of, the freezers came from Rick Hart Seconds).

And that suits us fine.

But every now and then I get the urge to splash out a little and set up our house. Sometimes I wish everything matched perfectly or was in perfect condition.
Most of the time that feeling passes and I am content with what I have.

Sometimes there is a need for something new. When Kaitlyn's chest of drawers fell apart and she needed new ones, but we found some on a local buy and sell page and repainted them ourselves.

Living where we do now in the Pilbara we don't want to be buying lots of brand new things. It's so dusty up here we would prefer to wait.

Today I've started my spring cleaning and along with the spring cleaning came the realisation that the tv unit we have was one we picked up from the Good Sammy's way too long ago. Our old one broke and we needed something to keep us going for a little while until we decided on a 'proper' one for our house. 6 months tops we would keep it. 5 years later I've given up and thrown it out today. In those 5 years we had broken 3 out of 4 glass panes and the leg on one side was broken but we kept it patched up and it suited us fine.
This morning I saw a new tv unit for sale on a local buy and sell page and decided it was time to chuck out the old one. So in came my new (second hand) $50 tv unit.

And then just because hubby has been asking for so long I bit the bullet, jumped on Ikea's website and looked up some better toy storage systems. I'm waiting to hear back on a shipping quote for a new bookcase and storage unit. Wow! 3 'new' things in one day?! Unheard of!!

After this big splurge I would say it will be awhile until we spend any more money on household goods but I will admit I'm quite excited to have something brand new that will 'match' some of our other furniture.

While in Karratha (our closest city) last week it was also time to buy new sheet sets, the kids old ones had no elastic left and were looking worse for wear. So I ducked into kmart and grabbed a couple more cheap sheet sets and even upgraded our tired old quilt cover $70 total for 4 sheets sets, quilt cover and a new sheet set for our bed too.  New sheets, quilt cover and a few new furniture pieces. Wow! It has been a big week!!


What about you guys? Are you buddy interior decorators or Scrooge's with your money? Do you spend up big on fancy household furniture? Decorate your house with fancy homewares and change your decorative pieces with each season?
Or are you more like me? Grab as much as you can second hand, keep it until it's too far gone to save anymore and then upgrade to a new second hand piece?

Third Time's The Charm

Before you have kids you have all these great ideas about how you THINK your going to raise your offspring; no junk food, no sugar, always sleep in their own bed, perfect clean white clothes, you will still get up and style your own hair every morning, baby will eat lots of fruit and vegetables, no dummy after 12 months, you werent gonna have a toddler walking around with a baby bottle, they will sleep in the pram so you can still go out at night, you will never bribe your child with food, breastfeeding only, etc etc.. 

Then the first one is born and for most people all those perfect ideals go out the window. 

I was one of the crazy people that went through the hard work of trying my very best To stick to my ideas. But even crazier is I managed to stick to those ideas for TWO kids!

They are perfectly healthy, didn't chuck tantrums (as I didn't allow them to), got rid of the dummy by only a few months old, slept perfectly in their cot or the pram, never got bribed with food, never had a baby's bottle after 12 months, slept in their own beds, didn't eat their first takeaway hot chip until they were a good couple of years old. As baby's and toddlers I couldn't have asked for better children, I put in all the hard work and reaped all the benefits. 

And then I got to child number 3. Miss Isla has been harder to work out than both my older two combined!! 

She's a fussy eater, and by fussy I don't mean with flavours I mean with texture. She's nearly 14months old and still wants to be spoon fed (Kaitlyn and Bradley were feeding themselves at this age). She sat up later, crawled later than the other two and I'm STILL waiting for her to start walking. 

She screams when tickled instead of laughing; in fact she screams a lot. It's a real high pitched, pierce your ear drums type scream and no matter what I do she doesn't care, she just screams whenever she wants. 

And weaning?! Remember how excited I was to breastfeed my baby for 12 months and never giving her a bottle?? 

Backfired.

While weaning (Isla started weaning all by herself so I allowed her) was happening Isla very happily drank cows milk from a sippy cup (hooray!) but the second I completely stopped breastfeeding her she refused ALL milk! 

I tried goats milk, cows milk, almond milk, soy milk. I tried it hot, cold, room temp. I tried water bottles, sippy cups and baby bottles. 

But she refused. 

I seriously considered putting her back on the boob but I was enjoying myself so much. I had successfully breastfed for 12 months and I didn't want to end up getting stuck with breastfeeding for months and months and months longer. I had achieved the 12 months I had always hoped for (3rd time lucky I managed it). Isla also needed to fatten up, and my breastmilk obviously wasn't fattening her up enough. 

So I grabbed a tin of toddler formula. 

And a baby's bottle. 

'Why am I doing this? I don't believe in kids past 12 months having baby bottles' 

One of my main reasons; Isla is too little. Even for her petite height she still needs to gain about 1.2kgs to keep the Dr's happy. 

I couldn't afford to stop giving her milk altogether as little Isla has a fair bit of weight she needs to gain.

Formula is well known for making baby's gain weight. 

The only way this sweet little angel child of mine will take formula is in a baby bottle. 

So now I have a bottle, formula fed toddler. Something I swore I would never have. Although I still don't let her walk around the house with her bottle or take the bottle to bed with her. I control when she is allowed a bottle and put it away as soon as she's done with it. And what an odd bottle feeding child she is. It's clear she never had a bottle as a baby, she doesn't know how to hold it properly and only sucks on the tiniest tip at the end of the teat, it's funny! Poor kid! 

I don't know how Isla has managed to be my skinniest baby. Poor third child that she is, almost ALL my perfect ideals have gone out the window. 

She eats not only take away hot chips but she has been known to have a couple of chicken nuggets. She's eaten birthday cake. She gets bribed with food while we are out in public (waiting for big kids to play tennis, watching kids assembly at school, sitting in the pram while I'm at Physio, etc). Isla also refuses to sleep in the pram, even at 10pm at night and she's really tired she won't fall asleep in the pram. She hates crèche! Like screams for 1 hour straight and it takes me half an hour to calm her down when I get home (I no longer go to exercises classes because of that now). 

It's not all bad though. Isla slept through the night quicker than the other 2, she eats spicy food better than the other 2, she cuddles more often than the other 2 and she's just super cute-just like the other 2 :-) 

I was extremely lucky to have lasted through baby and toddler years with my first two children and managing to keep all my perfect ideals about parenting. 

A combination of the bigger age gap, hubby working longer hours, Isla being slightly more stubborn than the older 2 and my own pure laziness and my perfect ideals are slowly wearing off. . . 

Clothes Shopping...Pilbara Style

Today I went clothes shopping Pilbara style! 

If there's one thing I've learnt from living 6 hours from your nearest shopping centre it's to always be prepared! 

We don't have the luxury of popping into Kmart every time there's a birthday party, or when the kids have a growth spurt or when the weather suddenly turns from weeks of freezing cold to 30degree days. 

So I keep a lot of stuff stored in our house. 

We have a birthday box full of presents, cards and wrapping paper (because Kmart sell cards and wrapping paper cheaper than up here) and every time the kids are invited to a party we go 'shopping' in that box. 

Today it was a beautiful 28 degrees here. It's been getting warmer over the last week or so. Our 'winter' is over and it's warming up. 

While the kids were at school I went through their wardrobes to see what summer clothes they had and what they might need. 

As usual they have plenty of tops and undies and Pajamas and bathers etc. but they both need new shorts! Almost every single pair of their shorts has a red dirt bum-if I scrubbed them any harder to get the stains out they would have no shorts at all. 

So off to the cupboard I went to see what clothes I had stored away for them. 

I buy clothes at the end of each season when they are on clearance, I buy the next size up and store them until the kids grow into them. 

I had a few pairs of shorts for Kaitlyn and nice new tops for them both. 

The shorts went straight into Kaitlyns drawers but the tshirts can wait a couple more months until they are needed. 

I also had a swimming rashie for Bradley that I scored for $4 on clearance!! 

Unfortunately for miss Isla all the summer clothes I have for her are size 1 a mix between things I've brought, things handed down and things we've been given. Due to the fact that my 13 month old weighs as much as some 6month olds she doesn't fit the size 1's yet so she will need a few size 0 summer things. 

Another couple weeks and I'll be in shopping heaven-sort of. 

We are making the trip west for a big rodeo weekend and while there we will drive the extra 2 hours into their nearest town to do a few hours shopping. 

Yes, yes I know I could do all my shopping my online. And sometimes I do. 

But I find online shopping leads to lots of impulse buying. I prefer to wait a couple months until I have a big list of things and do a big shop (to save me postage on 10 small packages I pay postage on one larger parcel which is cheaper). And if I know I have a trip to a town coming up I'll save up my shopping for 3-4 months! 

Kaitlyn and Bradley loved going 'clothes shopping' today and trying on their new clothes. They love 'shopping' from our birthday box for kids parties. 

It's a bit of fun and actually saves me a lot of money by always being prepared :-) 

The Long Hard Week(s)

It's been 2 weeks since Isla had her 12 month vaccinations. 2 very long, very hard weeks... 

Before I continue I just want to make it very clear that I am pro vaccination. 

I will never understand anti-vax people. There is a way to protect your kids from some of the most horrible illnesses out there and you choose not to protect your child. It just doesn't make sense to me! 

Of course I'm not speaking about the people that can't be vaccinated for medical reasons..obviously that's different. 

Anyway on with my story. 

2 weeks ago we took Isla in for her 12 month needles. The measles, mumps, rubella vaccine.

As usual the child health nurse went through all the side effects and reactions and risks as they do with every single person, every single time. 

5-12 days later the baby can get a rash all over, cold and flu like symptoms, a high fever of about 39 degrees for 3-4 days, loss of appetite and just generally unsettled. 

Isla didn't wait for the 5-12 days. She's been unsettled since day 1. And not just a little bit irritable and whingy I'm talking full blown stuck to me at all times, screams when I put her down, cries continuously, refuses to play with toys, just plain grumpy, won't let anyone else (including Kaitlyn and Bradley) touch her, if someone even LOOKS at her the wrong way she cries. 

Day 9, while we were at the Nameless Festival, she broke out in the rash all over. And I mean all over. Kaitlyn kept asking me why Isla looked so weird, I actually put the cover over her in the pram at one stage so people passing by wouldn't see how spotty she looked!

She was perfectly fine to be out of the house, the rash isn't contagious or anything but it did look bad and people were giving me the 'you're a bad mum for taking your sick kid out in public' look. 

It's now day 14 and the rash has almost completely cleared up. 

I wish I could say the same for the irritability. 

But she's still going. Screaming, crying, irritable, grumpy-she's one feisty little bugger at the moment. And of course for the last week hubby has been away so it's made it all the worse to deal with as I don't get a break. 

I'm suffering some major mummy guilt too because I have almost no time for the older two. Poor Kaitlyn and Bradley are being a bit neglected at the moment. They are being absolutely amazing though. Yesterday Kaitlyn sat down and did some homework by herself at the table while I was dealing with yet another screaming episode. 

It's been so hard on them. They come home from school in the afternoon and by the time they've finished their after school snack they are sick of being around Isla and they bail outside, coming in only for drinks, toilet breaks and dinner time. 

I don't blame them, I would escape too if I could. 

Dinner has been almost non existent, living off sausages, baked beans and pre cooked chickens with whatever salad or veg we have lying around. 

When I've finally had enough and I put Isla down for a nap all I want to do is collapse into a corner a cry. But I can't, I have 2 kids that really need some mummy time. 

I just have no energy, or patience to be honest because that baby is getting on my last nerve, to do anything much so we've been sitting on the couch reading stories or cooking dinner together to try squeeze in some bonding time. 

We saw a Dr the other day, for an unrelated issue, and I had a quick word with him. It's all just part of the side effects of the vaccine, some kids (like Kaitlyn and Bradley) are fine and have little to no effects, and some kids see it all. Thankfully we've escaped the cold and flu and fever symptoms. Although he didn't give me a time frame as to how much longer it would last, he just gave me a sympathetic look. He tried to feel Isla's tummy but laying her on the bed and having him stand near her was enough to set her off on a massive screaming episode. He totally felt my pain, the look on his face said it all. 

My ONLY saving grace at the moment is that Isla is still sleeping. In fact she's sleeping more than usual. 

Then again if I spent 10hours a day screaming and chucking baby tantrums I would be extra tired too. 

It's Me Time Now

I'm done. 

We have finished. 

Weaning is over. 

Isla hasn't had a breastfeed in 5 days. 

Success! 

I've never weaned a 100% breastfed baby before so it was harder than I imagined. I guess being sick and hiding in my room for 3 days helped because hubby took over and she couldn't get near me, and now she's got me back she knows the milks all gone. 

I'm happy that it didn't take too long, we had some setbacks and some bad days but it wasn't dragged out over 3 long painful months or anything like that. 

Today I got to dig out a pile of clothes I haven't worn in ages. 

For the last 12 months I've brought tops based purely on whether or not I can get my boobs out of them-hubby has been very encouraging of this way of shopping ;-) 

Today I'm wearing a bra with an actual underwire (hooray for uncomfy but much nicer bras again) a top with a high neckline and no maternity singlet, bra's, pants, NOTHING maternity! 

Wow I feel like my own person again! 

Ever since Isla was born I've just been so amazed at being able to feed her successfully (third time lucky right). I've enjoyed the ease of feeding her. I've enjoyed having a newborn around again and going through the baby stages. 

But now I'm enjoying feeling like me again. 

Over the last few years I've been pregnant 3 times, breastfed, been on and off steroids a few times and with all these things come the body changes, weight gain, weight loss, clothes are too big, too small, need new bras, maternity clothes etc etc. 

At the moment I'm not on steroids and haven't been for months, my arthritis in my hip feels the best it ever has, I'm not pregnant or planning on ever being pregnant again and now I've just finished breastfeeding I feel like I've got my body back. 

I've been exercising and enjoying having my body to myself. 

I've been losing weight slowly and once again going through the 'I have no clothes to wear stage' 

But let me tell you I'm soooo done with having to change my entire wardrobe every few months. I have boxes that literally say 'Emma's skinny clothes' 'Emma's maternity clothes' 'Emma's fat clothes' and depending on which stage I'm in those are the clothes I wear. I want so badly to just have ONE wardrobe, to be able to wear whatever clothes I want because I know they all fit me! 

I've enjoyed every single one of my 391 days breastfeeding Isla and I've enjoyed having all 3 babies and i don't mind the changes they have made to my body. The arthritis and steroids I could do without and now that everything is getting back to normal I'm ready to work my ass off so I never have to take them again. 

I'm also a little bit sad that Isla is growing up, Wednesday I breastfed my last baby for the last time. I was too sick to fully take in the moment but over the last month I've tried to truly treasure every single moment of feeding her. My goal since being a mum was to feed my baby's until they were 1, and now I've accomplished it. I'm done. Success at last. 

Now it's time to get fit and enjoy having my own body back again. 

Such a bittersweet moment. . .  

Sick Of This. . .

I hate being sick. 

For the last 4 days I've been laid up at home. Literally. Laying in bed or on the couch, unable to move or even sit up for long periods of time. 

Nothing major, just a bout of gastro that then turned into a severe throat infection. Complete with body aches, shivers, blinding headaches etc.. 

It sucks. 

But it sucks even more because of the timing. 

Phil has just done 10 night shifts, 8 of those he was away from home so it feels as though we've been living on another planet in different time zones. 

Tuesday he came home and Wednesday and Thursday were his days off. 

Days off are hard to come by around here so whenever we get time together we usually like to pack our days with family time like going to the park or playing games with the kids etc. 

This time though phil ran around like a crazy lunatic trying to get the kids off to school in the mornings, took Isla in for her vaccinations, took Isla off to kindy gym, attended the kids open night at school and ran around filling up my cup with water and ice and bringing me my heat pack and being the perfect housewife substitute. 

But it sucked, we didn't get to go out for lunch, we didn't get to take the kids to the park together, we didn't even get to sit at the table and eat a meal altogether and more importantly I didn't get to have that first alcoholic drink I've been dying for!! 

And sometimes that makes me so grumpy. 

We don't get much time together as it is. Hubby's just done 8days away and when he goes back to work next week he will do a couple days in town but then he's off again for another 5 days. 

In this family we never seem to get our timing right (see previous posts about family holidays). 

Hopefully next time hubby gets days off I'll be feeling better and we will have to make up for this shitty week 

The End Is Near. . .

Over the past 12 months I've spent my days breastfeeding my little one. 

And let me tell you after 2 'failed' attempts at breastfeeding the first two I've enjoyed every single second of it. 

But now that the end is coming closer I can see the light at the end of the tunnel and in that bright light at the end is a big bottle of vodka! 

I'm not much of a drinker and usually get fairly 'happy' off 3-4 drinks and am lucky to drink once a month. While pregnant and attempting breastfeeding with the older two kids I never once wanted a drink-it just didn't bother me. 

But holy moly! It's been nearly 2 YEARS since I've had a drink and the cravings are getting intense this time (maybe that's to do with how many kids I have now, drinking becomes a necessity) 

My husband drinks beer and just the smell of beer on his breath is enough to get my mouth watering. 

I'm not a 'pump and dump' kinda person and have always found that too much like hard work but the closer I get to being done with breastfeeding the more tempted I am. 

Although I think when I finally do get that night out its gonna be a big one and I'd end up pumping and dumping for a whole day. 

Then again after 2 years of no alcohol I'll probably be shit faced drunk after my first sip ;-) 

Take Two. . .

Remember a few months ago I wrote that post about our disaster camping trip when we went to the station stay near Exmouth and Coral Bay? Bradley ended up in hospital with a funky infected toe, Kaitlyn had a swollen eye, Isla wouldn't eat anything and it was so hot we all nearly died?

Over the July school holidays we thought we had to try again. Coral Bay and the Ningaloo Reef are freaking world heritage listed places and we wanted to actually enjoy it.
This time we decided to camp again but we stayed right in town (close to the hospital) just in case.

We arrived on Saturday happy and excited to be having another mini holiday together, my mum had come along for the trip this time as well. It was her first time in Exmouth and we wanted to enjoy everything there was.

Saturday was a beautiful sunny day and we set our tents up and got everything else set up nicely.
The older kids had talked mum into sharing their tiny little tent so she slept there with Kaitlyn and Bradley. Phil, Isla and I had the big tent. Poor mum!

Not long after we went to bed I said to Phil "is that rain drops I can hear?"
He thought I was being crazy. But we went out and sure enough it was raining. In July.

For those that don't know up in the Pilbara our seasons are a little back to front. Summertime is our wet season and winter is usually as dry as a bone. But here we were in peak tourist season on the coast and it was pouring with rain.

That first night the rain did not stop. By 4:30 am I was cold, damp and hadn't slept much, the rain was absolutely pelting down and it was so windy.
By 6:30am mum and the 2 older kids were in our tent as theirs was soaked.
By 8:00am our tents were literally pitched in a giant puddle. Everything was absolutely soaked. The kids tent was the worst, all of their bedding was absolutely drenched and mum had absolutely no dry clothes.

By 10:00 we were actually begging at the reception and then again at the tourist centre to find some dry accommodation. If you know the area you will know that trying to find accommodation in July is actually laughable. Everything is so fully booked.

By some miracle though there was one hotel that had a 2 bedroom apartment available. It would be squishy but at least it would be dry.

We left the tent where it was (in the hopes we would wake up to beautiful sunshine the next day) and packed up the rest of our stuff and took it to the hotel.

We had piles and piles of wet clothes and towels and sleeping bags. The lovely cleaners were so helpful. They delivered us a couple of clothes drying racks to help us out and we had the rest of our stuff on the back of chairs, hanging off the door knobs and strung up along the bathroom towel rails.

That night we decided we couldn't deal with cooking so we went into the bistro to eat. But before we even made it that far mum still needed to dry her clothes.

"Do you reckon I could put these pants in the microwave to dry" she asked me
That moment will forever be in my memory. There are no dryers around in most places as it doesn't usually get cold enough to need them up here.
"Umm sure mum give it a go" I replied laughing my head off.

And she did. She actually put her pants in the microwave for 2 minutes and they came out perfectly dry and warm for her.

Dinner was beautiful but by the next morning it was clear the rain, wind and cold weather weren't planning on stopping anytime soon.
We didn't want to cut our holiday short though, it took a lot of effort for Phil to get the time off work and get ourselves over there.
We weren't ready to admit defeat.

We did however go back and pack up our tent, after begging for 2 more nights in our apartment, because we decided that we at least needed to stay dry and sleeping in a tent that had a giant puddle underneath it was not the way to make that happen...

I have been blessed with 3 of the most amazing children. During all this madness and moving around and decision making Kaitlyn and Bradley found a little patch of grass out the back door of our apartment. There was nothing there at all, just a small patch of grass. But they spent their time out there in between the rain and just played so nicely together. Other than a few toy animals they had nothing else to play with, but they spent literally hours out there every day :-)

On the Monday we finally got to see the beach. It was cold, overcast and it started raining while the kids were in the water but hey, we saw the beach. We also went up to see the lighthouse near Exmouth and had a bit of a drive around. It was miserable weather but we were still determined to have some fun.

The next day, Tuesday, we were planning on going to Coral Bay for a day trip. When we woke up we could almost see the sun in Exmouth but 155km down the coast the weather was just starting to hit. And it was low tide. Most tour boats were either not going out or only taking a limited number of people. Because of the direction of the wind they wouldn't let canoes and kayaks be hired out for fear of you blowing over, it was way colder than Exmouth was.

Middle of the day, peak tourist season, all the caravan parks were fully booked out and the beach was absolutely deserted. Everyone was hiding out in their caravans or hotel rooms. I actually stopped, took a photo of the deserted beach and laughed at how crazy we were being.

But we were determined. Phil was the brave one. He hired a snorkel and wearing nothing but a pair of board shorts went straight into the freezing cold water and snorkelled over the Ningaloo Reef.
After lunch mum and I finally worked up the courage to get in there as well. It was so cold it was breathtaking, literally. My breathing was so shallow and my arms and legs were moving so fast to try and keep warm. But wow!! What an amazing thing to see. Fish everywhere. Big fish, little fish, colourful fish, striped fish. Fish eating coral, fishing swimming so close you could almost touch them and then just as I was about to give in and get out I saw a manta ray. That. Was. Amazing.

Kaitlyn and Bradley also tried snorkelling. And that was probably one of my proudest mummy moments. That little moment made the entire trip worth all the stress, running around and extra $1,000 in accommodation.
When Kaitlyn was younger and her anxiety wasn't under control she had an enormous fear of the beach. Walking along a path one day going to a friends wedding which was in the surf club near the beach was enough to send her into a full blown panic attack. She screamed, cried, tried to run away, hid behind me and held my hand for dear life.
It was a relatively intense fear.
And here we are only 2.5 years later and she was not only standing on the sand at the beach she was swimming and SNORKELLING.
It almost brought me to tears. That little girl is such an amazing, strong little girl. I'm so proud of her.

As the rain started again we decided to give up and head back to Exmouth where we were booked into an Italian restaurant that came very highly recommended from quite a few people.

We were the 3rd group of people to arrive for the whole night. It was practically empty when we walked in, apart from 2 other small groups.

We ordered our pasta dishes about 10 minutes after arriving and sat down chatting and awaiting what we thought would be an amazing meal.

An hour later, the restaurant was packed. Everyone else had ordered and almost everyone else in the restaurant had their meal (and many had even finished their meals) and we were STILL waiting!
Having 3 small children I always try and book dinner reservations for fairly early in the evening so we can get them home and off to bed before the overtired grumpiness sets in.
Well it had set in. 7pm and no one had eaten, it was past Isla's bedtime and everyone was very restless watching everyone else eat their meals.

We asked the waitress who came back with the "its a busy night, wont be long" response.

15 minutes later we FINALLY had our meals.
The 2 older kids had ordered a pasta dish with mozzarella. What they got was a bowl of cooked, dry pasta. Not a single drop of cheese or sauce or anything. It was a bowl of dry pasta. They were so hungry they just chowed down though. Thankfully Phil and mum both enjoyed their meals but it was such a long wait I was over it. My tummy had gone beyond hungry and I couldn't eat much at all.

What a way to end a disastrous holiday.

Sometimes you have to stop and really look to find the magic in the world. In a place as special and amazing as Coral Bay you wouldn't think you would need to stop and take a deep breath and look for the magic-I always assumed the magic of that place would just jump down your throat.
But we did. We were so determined to have a good time, so determined to get the most out of this amazing place that we are so lucky to live close to. Some days there felt absolutely horrible, but when we stopped and looked around us at the kids playing so nicely, and the beaches and the fact that we were actually on a holiday we saw just how lucky we are.

Phil reckons if we go back a 3rd time and its a disaster he will never go again (poor guy, I don't blame him)...I reckon bring on round 3!!