1:30am back hip and neck aching, toss and turn in bed
3:30am give up and Sleep on couch
6:00am 5 yr old tries to vomit
7:15 wake up after "sleep in"
7:20am wake baby and 4 + 5 yr old up. Discover baby has pooped during the night-use 4 wipes and half a bottle of moisturiser to scrape dried up poop off baby's butt
7:30 Feed baby while 4 and 5 yr old colour in and remind me of all the things I've "promised" them we will do on the weekend
8am phone call from mum while 4 and 5 yr old pelt baby with toys
8:25 rescue baby and rugby tackle her into a cute little outfit.
8:30 5yr old in timeout for speaking rude
8:35 phone call from husband while holding loudly grunting/talking baby-no idea what he said.
8:45 remember 5 yr old is in timeout and let her out, put baby to bed
8:50 lock myself in the bathroom for the longest shower, I shave, wash and exfoliate and relax for what is sure to be the best 30mins of my weekend
8:51 hear screaming coming from lounge room-ignore screaming and start washing hair to drown out the sound
8:53 poke head out door, hear 4 and 5 yr old talking and decide no one is dead or seriously injured so continue enjoying myself
9:20 sneak into bedroom to brush my hair and lay on the bed contemplating life for a few quiet moments
9:30 try to go to the toilet in peace, get interrupted 100 times by children walking past pretending they aren't stopping and staring at me
9:35 choose 25 stories for Christmas
9:45 let kids bounce on old mattress before it goes to the tip
9:47 took frustrations out by throwing kids on mattress-they giggled
9:52 brush 5yr olds hair
9:55 fed apparently starved children morning tea-enjoy a glass of milk while children complained about their muffin
10:05 made princess castle with 5yr old, convinced 4yr old that if the dog doesn't want to play with him he doesn't have to!
10:15 play princes and princesses with 5 yr old-convince 5yr old that making random sounds such as doo be, ree sha, blah bloo are not suitable names for her princess.
10:25 wash school uniforms
10:27 instruct 4yr old to sweep up muffin crumbs from lounge room floor-they ate in the kitchen 😁😁
10:30 fight with ice cube trays to get baby purée out. Realise the ice cube trays aren't stupid, freezer is up too high and has made frozen purée resemble hard, set concrete. Peel sponge off of defrosting milk and clean up after dropping the food, knife, sponge, food again and tripping over dog.
10:40 sit down for 5 minutes, ignore sound of rampaging children jumping on mattress
10:42 try and pull wobbly tooth from 5yr olds mouth, unsuccessful again.
10:45 clean up half eaten morning tea plates
10:50 get food ready for baby and wake baby up.
10:52 begin breastfeeding baby.
10:53 stop baby from pulling my nose off
11:20 start spoon feeding baby
11:22 baby starts giving off very foul odour
11:25 Change baby and stop baby choking on her fingers
11:30 realise I'm running out of time and haven't fed the other kids yet.
11:35 make sandwiches and put uniforms into dryer
11:40 pack nappy bag and wrangle kids into shoes, clothes and into the car
11:45 drop baby and 4 and 5 yr old at friends house
11:47 warn 4 and 5 yr old not to beg for food like starved children while at friends house
12pm arrive at chiropractor for my first ever session
12:30 leave chiro smelling like deep heat
12:35 arrive to pick baby 4 and 5 yr old up and find 3 happy well behaved children
12:45 go to shops for newspaper and remember I haven't eaten since 7!!
1pm arrive home with salad wrap and newspaper, put 3 very tired children down for a sleep.
1:05 sit down to eat lunch and watch old episodes of gossip girl
1:30 realise I bought icy poles at the shops and can't find them
1:35 find icy poles in the car-thankfully not yet melted
1:40 taste test an icy pole-to make sure they are good for the kids tonight.
1:50 fold school uniforms
2:15 wrap 25 books for 25 days of Christmas.
3:00 after 2 hours sleep it was time for all 3 children to get up-and let me tell you I enjoyed every single minute of those two hours!!
3:05 feed baby while a sleepy 4yr old lays on the couch and 5yr old puts clean and folded washing away.
3:30 set up painting and nail polish
3:35 paint picture with 4yr old and help paint 5yr olds nails
3:48 have nails painted by 5yr old
3:55 paint picture with 5yr old
4:10 defrost sausages and buns for dinner
4:15 fold yesterday's clean washing and put away
4:25 try to sneak off to the toilet without anyone following. 4yr old walks past "muuuuuum I love you" while watching me try and pull my pants up
4:28 watch 4 and 5 yr old bounce on mattress again
4:35 sickening thud suggests 4 and 5 yr old have collided and screaming begins
4:36 ice packs given to 4 and 5yr old
4:40 ice packs away. Baby goes down for a "power nap" and 4 and 5 yr old get ready for a bath
4:45 bath 4 and 5 yr old
5:00 watch 4yr old sit on plug as water is draining out pretending to "fart"
5:05 read stories wth 5 yr old while 4 yr old runs around like headless chook getting dressed
5:10 5 minute time out to waste on Facebook, 4yr old quietly doing puzzles 5yr old quietly (or not) reading stories
5:15 give in and put cartoons on for 4 and 5 yr old and wake and bath baby
5:30 dry and dress baby
5:35 watch cartoons with 4 and 5 yr old
5:50 feed baby
6:10 start cooking dinner
6:20 husband arrives home and finishes cooking dinner
6:30 dinner and icy poles
6:50 baby goes to bed
7:00 4 and 5 yr old give me a back massage
7:10 husband reads to 4 and 5 year old
7:30 4 and 5 year old go to bed.
Husband and I collapse onto couch and don't move until bed time.
And THAT is what a housewife does on her "day off"
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