Most of you have probably seen or heard about the blog post going around Facebook at the moment called "This young mother is giving up on her kids and I don't blame her"
Basically it's a mother of a couple of boys who refuses to make her kids absolute centre of the universe, she let's them fail, let's them play cops and robbers in the backyard (which is a BIG no no at schools these days) makes her boys aware that negativity does exist and in fact it's something they will need to learn to deal with.
She goes on to say that people who make their children the absolute centre of the universe and drop everything to tend to their every desire aren't doing their kids any favours.
Of course a blog entry like this is very controversial these days and she has no doubt copped a lot of bullshit from the kind of parents she's talking about. The ones that put their kids in cotton wool and don't let them see, hear or think anything that's not 100% happiness.
Well I'm here to say YOU GO GIRL!!
When I first found out I was pregnant with Miss5 I was given the name of a set of books to read. They are called the Babywise series and have been my life saver.
One of the things it says in the book is that before your child comes along you are already a family. It might just be you and your partner, but you are still a family. Your child will be BECOMING PART OF A FAMILY. They don't MAKE the family, they JOIN the family.
As Stephanie says in her blog post if you drop everything every time your child looks sideways at you how would the dishes ever get done? How would you ever get the clothes washed? If your kids can't find something and you go and find it for them, how will they ever learn responsibility?
Before I was a mother I was Phil's girlfriend. That relationship is an equally important one as the one I have with my kids.
Phil and I are a team. We are parents of two (almost three) amazing children and it takes hard work to raise children.
Therefore we need to nurture our relationship, we need to stay strong, to be a team, to strategise when problems arise.
In the Babywise series of books it suggests for mum and dad to have 'couch time' every single day. Basically it's 15-20 minutes every day where the kids need to play quietly by themselves. They can do a certain pre arranged activity or they can have free play. But they know and understand that mum and dad aren't to be interrupted.
Mum and dad need to sit on the couch/at the kitchen table/wherever comfortable and discuss their day. Keeping topics fairly light, with no serious conversations involving gossip etc.
It's a great time for kids to see a real working relationship, it's a time to work on your communication skills with your spouse and it's a time for the kids to learn that mum and dad are important to each other. During the day mum plays with them, teaches them, let's them have free time, gives them chores etc etc but come 'couch time' mummy and daddy need to have some special time too.
I know of a mum who sends her kids to their grandmothers house every day so that she can go home put on some washing and get the house tidied.
When I first heard that I nearly died on the spot. How can you choose to have kids and then ship them off every time you want to do the slightest thing.
Instead why not teach your child to amuse themselves. Set them up with building blocks, play doh, colouring in. Put a DVD on, or wait until they go down for a nap if all else fails. You're not only teaching your child to occupy themselves, you are teaching them that mummy has chores to do as well. And those chores are important parts of tuning a household. Even better why not involve them in chores, but only sometimes, because ideally they do need to learn to be by themselves.
Stephanie also talks about kids using manners. She writes that her children are ignored when they ask for something without using their manners. The rules in my house are the same. I don't allow my children to get away with demanding something. Even when I'm on the phone they are to find a quiet activity and leave me be. Miss5 once went through a stage of asking me who was on the phone and what they wanted.
I told her that the person called me to speak to me. It was an adult conversation and if it was something that concerned her I would tell her, it's rude to ask people about private conversations.
Have you ever been talking to a friend and their child (or yours) has wanted to ask you a question and they continually tap you on the arm until you answer them?? Yep, well that doesn't happen in my house. It's rude, distracting and not nice. My children are taught to say excuse me and WAIT until I am ready. That's not to say it always happens, they are learning as well. But it's what I teach them.
The other BIG one that gives me the shits is when people having crying babies. Some mums need to understand that sometimes babies just cry-just like sometimes adults just cry. They don't need anything they just need to settle. Overreacting when your child is teething; running into their room every 5 minutes, letting bad behaviour go unpunished because they are sick, letting them sleep in your room and letting them skip a nap/stay up late. YOUR KIDS KNOW WHAT THEY ARE DOING. YES EVEN BABIES DO!! They know your a sucker, and as long as you continue to let them get away with it they will push their limits. When my kids were teething I literally didn't even know. Yes I know teething can be bad, I know fever, drooling, loose nappies/constipation are all side effects. As it says in the Babywise book-"comfort where comfort is needed"
This doesn't mean you suddenly need to rock your baby to sleep, they WILL get stuck in that routine. It means soothe them, but then continue on with your day to day routine. The less attention you pay to the 'problem' the less they will play up. I'm so sick of seeing mothers saying "oh none of us slept because the baby was teething so we had her up all night." Cuddle your kid but then put them down to sleep, trust me they NEED sleep more than most people realise and they will soon settle themselves.
Don't get me wrong I spend plenty of time with my children. I play with them, I help them when they need me, I love and care for them. They KNOW they are loved and appreciated. They KNOW they are a part of a loving, caring family. They KNOW we are always there for them. But they also know that they are part of a family, that bad things happen, that they won't always win every single game, that mummy and daddy's relationship is super important and that sometimes adults need to do tasks by themselves.
So to Stephanie who wrote the original blog-YOU GO GIRL!
And to anyone looking for answers read her blog. The link to the post is on umbrelr.com the post is called "why my kids are NOT the center of my world" but there are plenty of links to the blog all over Facebook at the moment.
Or check out the Babywise books: they are available at all good Christian bookshops (but don't worry they don't drill in the 'God thing' if you don't like that!!) or online like eBay etc. The series starts at Babywise and goes right up to Teen Wise, covering all topics related to each stage of development and how to deal with everything from colic to teething to toilet training, first day of school to mood swings and everything in between.
No comments:
Post a Comment