This post is particularly hard for me to write-mostly because I'm not the kind of person to share my feelings with the world. I mean I'm happy to tell people when I'm happy or sad or angry, but I don't really go into details.
But writing always helps me. So I'm writing this story.
For the past few weeks I have been suffering major mummy guilt.
As you would know our world is a bit topsy turvy at the moment. When I was just over 6 months pregnant hubby finally got the job we had waited 11 months for. The town we are moving to doesn't have a maternity hospital so I made the decision to stay in the city until our new bubs is born. It meant that the kids could stay in school and I could be near a hospital and keep up with my antenatal appointments (as I needed a few extra tests etc this time around).
But it also meant hubby would be working a 4 weeks away 1 week back roster for the remainder of my pregnancy.
So me, the kids and our ever faithful pooch moved in with my mum while our life was packed up and shipped 1600km away.
At the time I thought it was the best decision. Keeping the kids in the same school, being near a hospital and I didn't quite realise how long 4 weeks away was!!
Now I don't want anyone getting the wrong idea. I am AMAZINGLY blessed to have such an amazing mum with spare bedrooms and an open invitation to live with her. She's been helpful with the sleepless nights and the kids and the anxiety mad dog. I'm so grateful for everything she does for us. She's an amazing Grandma and an amazing mum.
But the last few weeks I've been feeling like maybe I made the wrong decision. Maybe I should have changed the kids over to their new school, unpacked our house in Tom Price and then come back a month before my due date (letting the kids have 4 extra weeks off school).
The first few weeks of being here went by pretty good. The kids were sharing a room and we were plodding along, missing hubby like crazy but not too bad.
But halfway through his second 4 week swing away I was slowly losing my mind.
Miss5 had gone so far backwards in her anxiety it was literally out of control. And I don't just mean the bed wetting dramas from my previous posts. Her excessive questioning, obsessive questioning about food, sucking her thumb more often, sucking the edges of her blanket, peeing 2 thousand times a day, controlling behaviour, lying about EVERYTHING, telling me how much she doesn't like me, throwing tantrums (something that I DO NOT allow). Sibling rivalry was pretty bad, they were arguing and fighting at every possible minute, Miss5 was talking her brother into wetting the bed. He was speaking rude to her, teasing her and fighting with her. Neither of them would listen to me, punishments were seen as laughable and I was exhausted.
I finally had to separate them into different bedrooms. Miss5 had to share with Grandma and Mr4 was out on his own.
Since then things have been slightly more settled, but only at bedtimes!
The last couple of weeks especially the kids seem to be walking around like zombies absolutely miserable. A couple times I've looked at Mr4 and he's been on the verge of tears for no apparent reason. Miss5 has said to me a couple times she wants the baby to hurry up and we can go home. Times like that nearly send me to tears.
I've been so busy while down here, the kids have had tonnes of appointments, I've been at the physio a few times every week, collecting baby things, organising stuff for our new place, and just the general busyness of moving house, except harder because I've never actually SEEN our new house!
At mums place there is no backyard that is suitable for the kids to play in, they only have a very limited amount of toys and they seem bored.
Zac our poor dog doesn't have his big bed, doesn't have anyone to play outside with him, has been put onto a new diet, is freezing cold and he misses hubby when he's away too. He's getting pretty miserable too.
And then there's me. I'm tired, I'm sick, I'm in pain most of the time. I miss my husband when he's away. We have never spent more than 2 and a half weeks apart the entire time we have been together. I miss my own house, my own kitchen. I miss doing things in my own good time, I feel bad if I leave mums house messy when I'm having a bad day. I want my own shower, my own bed, I want to live with my husband, use our own blankets. I want all my clothes back (including my boot collection which I sent up north because I forgot how cold it gets down here) I want to nest in my own house. I want to set up my baby's bedroom. I want the kids to get back to doing their chores. I want to see the kids playing outside, with Zac. I want the trampoline, swings, slide and sandpit set up. I want to set up our new herb garden. I want this baby out so I can eat again-I haven't been hungry or motivated to cook this entire pregnancy. I want my deep freezer so when I cook I can stock up HEAPS.
I know it sounds silly and selfish and I should be grateful for everything going on but I'm just feeling so down.
We have had to make some slightly tricky decisions based on when we think this baby is going to arrive.
From 23 weeks onwards the dr and midwives have been telling me how 'ready' baby is. I'm now 39 weeks exactly today and I can't believe our girl still hasn't arrived. I have been doing EVERYTHING to induce labour. Next week hubby has to start his annual leave and if this baby comes late we could be looking at leaving the city 2-3 days after birth. We originally wanted to stay for a week to see people, take our time packing up and leaving but we also need as much time as possible up at our new home to get settled and get the kids enrolled in school. Baby settled into her real house and there is also the possibility we will be moving into a different company house (a bigger house) and if we need to move AGAIN in the short time hubby has off from work it's going to be tricky.
I know I should be taking my time, relaxing and enjoying my pregnancy, I know I should just feel so blessed that I have this little girl coming. I know the longer she's in there the more chance she will be healthy and happy. I know all these things. I just can't help but feel like this baby really needs to come out soon so we can all get settled.
I feel like the only thing to settle down the kids and get my beautiful happy big girl back is to go home and be a family again. To get the dog in his own home so he will stop sleeping on the bed with us-keeping us awake all night. To show the kids that the baby won't change EVERYTHING. That they are still my favourite people in the world. That the new house will be fun, they will make friends in their new school. I feel like getting to Tom Price is the answer to getting my family back again. To getting my kids happy again.
Mr4 has been so sick lately because he's been doing so bad at staying dry at night time. He's been wetting the bed but not getting up and changing his sheets right away and with the cold weather he's been getting too cold and getting a bad cough, runny nose and even ear infections.
We have been trying to get him settled and staying dry (he can do it when he's on his A game) but it's just not working.
Today he's off school for the third day due to being sick caused by getting cold from bed wetting. I'm over it. I literally just want to cry. I've told him that if he's really sick he can't come and visit his new baby sister because she can not get sick. And he's been so sick he literally can't visit us in hospital if he doesn't get better. He just seems to be one big snot ball with a chesty cough, sore ears and on and off fevers.
Today after talking to hubby he said to me "he needs to get better, we can't risk the baby getting so sick, time to buy pull-ups and make him stay dry." I know it's a step backwards and you're always told never to go backwards because it's supposedly bad. But I need a healthy son.
I feel like I've been doing everything I can just to get a smile out of the kids. New shoes (which they needed anyway) new clothes for Tom Price. Going to indoor playgrounds, taking them to the park. Just doing anything I can to try and make them smile. And it's not who I am. I'm not the person that likes to spoil kids all the time unnecessarily. I like to reward good behaviour, but not all the time because they have to know good behaviour is expected-not something that always needs to be rewarded. Hubby feels the same. I'm so over fighting I've been letting some things slide, like rude words and the occasional snatching of toys. Simply because I've had enough fighting. I feel like all I ever do is punish the kids for their shocking behaviour. Something that I usually don't have to do because they ARE good kids. This is not normal behaviour. It's bad, it's unusual, it's attention seeking and it's a reaction to this situation I've put them in.
Being an adult-a parent- is hard. How do you know when you have made the right decision for your child? Would pulling them out of school and going to Tom Price for 7 weeks been better than staying here and sending hubby away for so long? Would things have been better or worse if I did that? Should I stop complaining and be more grateful? Probably. It all just feels so hard.
I feel so guilty. I feel like it's my fault the kids are miserable. I feel like if this bloody baby would just hurry up and come out things would start to get better. My stupid hormones would like me more. The kids could get used to this baby, I would have energy and motivation. We would be home. And we would be family. And family is all that matters to me.
Enough of a whinge from me now. I hope everyone else is travelling much easier paths than us right now.
I hope in the next few days I will finally have some good news to share with you all.
For now I'm going to try relax as much as possible-maybe even learn to meditate so I can fully relax and maybe the baby will come when I'm more relaxed about everything. Maybe I just need to relax and go with the old saying "whatever will be will be" and let life happens as it needs to.
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